Monday, April 09, 2018

#UnitedSucks

I will never, ever fly on United Airlines again.

Ever.

However, instead of giving you the gory and unfathomable details, I will try to produce enjoyment at a higher level instead.

Here are the three most important things you need to know about United Airlines.

#1 THEY PROMOTE AEROBIC FITNESS
Go to any United Airlines terminal and you'll see a convincing impersonation of an indoor track meet. Doughy middle-aged-men run like Usain Bolt as they desperately try to make a connection that they are guaranteed to miss by seconds.

Should have trained harder, buddy. United isn't for losers.

#2 THEIR MISTAKES ARE A YOU PROBLEM, NOT A THEM PROBLEM
An Actual Conversation With A Customer Service Employee in Newark Airport*
"We missed our connecting flight because our plane sat on the runway for 40 minutes after landing because the jetway was broken. This was after the flight was originally delayed for two hours. We're stuck in Newark for the night and need to be rerouted to our destination."

United: "Airplanes really are a miracle, aren't they? Shama shama shama."

"Will United help pay for the hotel?"

United: "Whoa, we're not a charity here. We're only responsible when shama shama shama."

"Do you, in fact, care at all?"

United: "No, and excuse me, are you still here? I'm just going to shama shama shama. Seriously, you should go find a hotel, which you'll be paying for."

*not an exact transcription, but the gist is accurate. Literally no one we talked to gave us any reason whatsoever to believe that they gave a shit in any way.
** Official Rules of Shama
1. 'Shama' rhymes with 'momma'.
2. The first 'shama' is always spoken with the most emphasis. Go ahead, try it out loud! Don't worry about that woman two cubicles down. Seriously, after she cooked fish in the microwave last week? She's got no reason to be huffy about anyone right now.
3. 'Shama' is in a special class of words known as "tone conveyors."

#3 WHEN YOUR BAG IS MISSING
United will hand you what looks like a restaurant coloring sheet for kids with the ten most likely locations for your missing bag. Included:
Singapore
YMCA Fort Walton Beach
Jennie (?)
A Storage Locker At The Bus Station
Low Earth Orbit
That Boy Down The Street Who Likes To Steal Things

Don't fly with them. We suffered so you could live.

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