Dubious Quality

Ironing is a tedious activity, usually. Today, though, I'm ironing shirts for my son's graduation. Eli 21.8 graduates on Saturday, and he's receiving awards at separate ceremonies on Thursday and Friday, so graduation is a three-day event. 

Gloria would be pissed at me about something, if she was here, because she was always pissed at me about something, but I'm sorry she's not here to have this week, too. She's missed so much in the last year and a half, so many things that would have made her happy. 

I tried to think about Eli this week and why he's different. I wish I was more like him, because he has all of my best qualities, but none of the uncertainty and hesitation I have. It would be a long list, but I thought most about two things: how he's willing to fail, and how he defines his life by its successes, not its failures. 

In many ways, I've defined my life by my failures. I've even turned significant successes into failures, at least in my mind. It's part of an unwillingness to feel good about myself that's haunted me, really, for a long time. 

Eli doesn't do that, and it makes me so happy that he doesn't. When he fails, he just brushes it away and looks up higher. Like Carlos Alcaraz said, "It's amazing to be able to fight for big things," and that kind of feeling drives Eli's life. 

The thing about being haunted is that you're haunting yourself, and I'm working hard on letting myself succeed. I'm also trying to remember that I have the capacity to fight for big things, and I should be doing it, too. 

Neither one of us is much for ceremony or celebration, but I'm going to make sure this weekend is different. I said in the card I wrote for him that I became the luckiest man in the world on the day he was born, and it's the truth. 

I did.