Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Fallout Shelters for Noses: Now Under Construction

I've been waiting for this moment for two decades, listening for the swirling sound as all of the achievements of Western civilization for the last millennium go right down the drain.

Then I saw a commercial for Scentstories, and my wait was over. Scentstories is made by Febreze, the same company that makes Fabric Refresher, a spray to mask the smell of cat and dog urine on carpet. I guess 'Pet Piss Masking Agent' didn't make it through marketing.

The slogan for Scentstories is "play scents like you play music." Here's the description from the website: Though the Scentstories player doesn't actually play music, it teams with Scentstories disc themes to work much like a music CD player. Just insert one of the themed discs and push play. The player then rotates through five scents on each disc, one by one with a new scent every 30 minutes... Together, the Scentstories player and disc create a new-to-the-world scent experience.

It's a scentsation!

But wait. Here is the 'table of contents' for one of these discs.
Exploring a Mountain Trail:
1. Following the winding creek
2. Walking beside wildflowers
3. Exploring the mountain
4. High in the mountain pass
5. Gazing at the tall firs

Here's one more.
Wandering Barefoot on the Shore:
1. Walking in the sand
2. Under the palms
3. Wading along the shore
4. Splashing in the waves
5. Sailing in the bay

It's all about relaxing, they say.

Relaxing? Listen, if you've got thirty minutes to sit on your ass and smell things, you don't need to be any more relaxed. Do us all a favor and get your limp extremities off the damn couch and go do something.

Maybe Febreze can expand this product line. I have a few ideas. First, how about some city discs? Here's a sample.
New Orleans: Birthplace of Jazz
1. In the alley, with the urine
2. One hurricane too many
3. Exploring the mountain of garbage
4. High in the--well, just high
5. Who dat? Hoo whee!

Future planned expansions include Zombies: A Celebration, Spend A Day With the Embalmer, and Durians, Durians, Durians!

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