Halloween: The True HauntingI was in Randall's grocery store yesterday and saw a large display of Halloween merchandise near the front entrance. Misfortune caused my eyes to fall on 'The Bride of Frankenstein, a novelty item which, in spite of its name, features Count Dracula and his new bride. Roughly ten inches high and huggably soft, the eternally damned gaze at each other adoringly--or maybe they're just thirsty.
When you press a button on the front, they will start dancing and singing to "I Got You, Babe." Even more horrifying, it's actually the voices of Sonny and Cher.
I've spent the last two decades of my life with one guiding principle: at all costs, avoid Sonny and Cher. I had somehow come to believe that I would never see or hear them again, a comfortable deception that enabled me to get through the day. Then, in one ill-conceived button push, that stability was shattered. Now I'm having flashbacks to their horrific variety show from the 1960's, only dimly remembered, but I see Sonny at a piano and Cher in some kind of dancing girl costume and I can't get it out of my head.
I ask you plainly to kill me now, sir. Do the deed as you see fit.
This is the only product I've ever encountered where the label should come with the 1-800 number for the Suicide Prevention Hotline, because if you're on the edge, this might push you right over. So if you're feeling at all depressed, I implore you to avoid all Halloween merchandise displays. The life you save may be your own.