Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Notes to Assorted Retailers Along the Road From Austin to Shreveport

1. I know that "acceleratory" is a word, but it doesn't sound like one. So using the phrase "Acceleratory Learning Center" for your children's daycare sounds suspicious, like you're just making words up. I expect you to break out with "accelerization" or "accelerism" or "acceleroscopy" any second now. Consider "accelerated" instead. It's a nice word.

2. When your sign reads "Extreme Detail Auto Detailing," And "Extreme" is missing the "x" and "m," that's just wrong. Maybe you should hook up with the Acceleratory Learning Center.

3. I had no idea there was a market for a combination Golf Course/RV Park, but I salute your ingenuity, sir. Could you please fax me the ruling on relief if my ball rolls under the lawn chair of a shirtless, sweating retiree?

4. If your billboard says "All shoes from $11.99 to $13.99," you might consider just charging $12.99 for everything. Think of the time you'd save pricing merchandise. Plus is anyone really going to go "These $13.99 shoes are sweet, but I just know I can find a pair like them for $11.99 if I keep looking"?

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