Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Sudden Surge in Hat Sales Surprises Experts

Do you remember when you first went to school? Do you remember the excitement when your first grade teacher told you about reading? Do you remember how she told you about all the wonderful things you would discover?

Well, she lied, damn her. Because if I had never learned to read, I never would have seen this headline on MSNBC yesterday:

It might well be the first time in the history of the written word that the words "muddled" and "licking" were used in close proximity. And I think once is enough.

The "licking" in question might or might not have occurred during a plane flight, where it is alleged that Michael Jackson licked the top of a boy's head.

As Daffy Duck would say: Shoot me. Shoot me now.

It's hard to quantify Michael's Jackson level of weirdness. I think after reading this story, though, I can safely say that if aliens from space ever reach our planet, they will be less weird than Michael Jackson.

I have no idea if he's guilty of anything besides being weirder than a space alien. You can read a bunch of ranting about that in a million other places, so no need for it here. And the quality of the prosecution, which is abysmal, doesn't mean that he's not guilty, only poorly prosecuted. But has anyone ever seen a worse collection of witnesses in the history of jurisprudence? These half-wits and village idiots are so inept that they almost have to paw the ground to respond to questions. I've seen tic-tac-toe playing chickens that were more convincing.

Actually, I think we'd all be far better off if there were more headlines about tic-tac-toe playing chickens.

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