True Stories
I opened up my Sports Illustrated magazine and saw a full-page ad for Old Spice:IF YOUR FATHER HADN'T BEEN WEARING IT, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN BORN.
That's true, actually. Your mother had been going out with your father for almost a year, but they still hadn't gone all the way, and while your father would still squeeze her breast once or twice while they were parking, he'd pretty much given up on getting in your mother's pants, and he had his eye on this slutty girl named Debbie he met at the roller skating rink in the town ten miles away.
That night, though, it was cold outside, so they couldn't roll down the windows while they were parked at the end of the old logging road. Your Dad was wearing Old Spice cologne for the first time, and it stank so badly that your mother asked for a drink from the pint of Jack Daniels that he always kept in the glove compartment of the Rambler. That helped, at least a little, so she had another drink. After a while, he just gave her the bottle.
Nine months later, you were born. Thanks, Old Spice!
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