Thursday, December 23, 2010

Inappropriate Moments Theater #7, Or I Go Through This So You Don't Have To

It's hard to pick just a top five, but I tried. With apologies to Rutger Hauer, I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.

This is just "incredibly odd", not inappropriate, but on the last day of our visit, I ate both lunch and dinner with my brother-in-law(we spent the whole day together, basically). I also know that he didn't have breakfast, which makes what he ate for the rest of the day (in total) even more remarkable: two giant orders of french fries, and two pieces of Texas toast. Just try to wrap your head around that.

My father-in-law, who is over 80 now, takes the number four spot with two epic moments. One, every story he tells ends with "Of course, he's been dead for years now," and there's no better way to end a story. Two, even though he has a philosophical hatred of television, he is absolutely mesmerized by some redneck varmint hunter reality show that's on A&E. As best I can tell, he watched this show for over five hours straight one day, and it absolutely delights him, so much so that he suddenly turned the volume on while we were sitting in the living room chatting, and his hearing is so poor that the volume level was like a non-lethal weapon used to disperse a riot.

My mother-in-law has had a grudge against her older sister for over a decade now, and when her sister came over to visit us, everyone decided to play a card game. This game, played in a house that would have rivaled a Lakota sweat lodge in temperature, devolved into a series of cheating accusations that were far more entertaining than the game itself. I thought I was going to see two 65-year-old women walk outside and throw down.

I had my camera ready, just in case.

My mother-in-law was riding to dinner with us one night, and Gloria put on an Elvis Presley Christmas song ("Blue Christmas," because her mother loves Elvis Presley). "I used to cry every time I heard this song," she said, and she went on to describe in horrific detail that Jerry, the love of her life (important note: this is not the name of her husband), had dumped her just before Christmas when she was young.

She then went on to describe how she had looked for him online as recently as last year, sighed, and said, "He's still out there."

Incredibly, less than a minute after the splendid disaster that was #2, my mother-in-law surpassed it and took top honors. She said that her husband (Gloria's father) had been called by "some woman" that he had talked to, and that she had left several messages for him, saying that he was probably married, but if not, to please call her back. "I know what she was doing," she said. "She was just looking for a man."

There was dead silence for a few seconds, and then Eli said, "AWKWARD," which almost made me do a spit take, because I had been thinking the exact same thing.

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