Friday, July 23, 2004

Dog Desperately Seeking Sherpa

Canine goggles.

I know you think I'm making that up. I would be disappointed if you didn't.

I know these goggles exist because we went to Petsmart. 'Petsmart,' by the way, can be thought of as either 'Pets Mart' of 'Pet Smart.' I'm giddy over their cleverness.

We went to Petsmart because Eli really enjoys looking at the fish and watching the mice go crazy on their exercise wheel. If you're two years old, the apex of humor is a mouse running on an exercise wheel. It is so funny that you will be unable to remain standing. Your laughter will weaken your skeleton so severely that you will inevitably wind up on the floor, in hysterics. It's the equivalent of the ultimate punch line in the adult comedy canon--"Wrecked him? Damn near killed him!"

I write this column with all the precision of a ninety-year old who intends to drive to the grocery store a block from his house and winds up two states over instead.

As I vaguely remember, though, I was talking about Petsmart.

As we walked in, one of the first racks I saw had a small box, and on it were written the words "CANINE GOGGLES."

I can just hear the target market for this product: "Yes, my German Shepherd will attempting to summit Mount Everest using the West Ridge from Nepal to Hornbein Couloir route, and he's desperately in need of some excellent mountaineering goggles."

"Aisle seven. Next to the hamster potty training kit."

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