An Urgent PleaI'm well aware that highly-placed government officials read this column. I speak to you now--no, I plead with you--to take action. It is time for the international community to come together as one to stop an insidious threat to our well-being. There is no time left to claim that 'the jury's still out' on the scientific evidence. There's no time left to claim that more study is needed. We must act, and now.
I'm speaking, of course, of the frontal gap between top and bottom. In women's clothing.
The only humane thing to do is ban these gaps entirely. In just that one to two inches of explosed flesh, bulging as it does so frequently, there is nothing but despair and abject misery. Just this morning I saw a woman whose shirt was two inches, two precious inches, from reaching the top of her pants. Add a handful of chocolate chips to that roll and it would have been cookie dough.
I understand that we may be punishing the few to benefit the many. That's why I propose the Smoking Hot Ukrainian Internet Brides With Entirely Flat Stomachs Exemption.
I know that the naysayers will say that the world can't agree on anything anymore. But that's not enough in this case. For any of us to be able to freely leave the house without fear, to travel to a mall or restaurant without constant anxiety, we must all work together to end this menace in our lifetime.
Once this threat has been eliminated, we can tackle the gap between the back of men's pants and their shirts. We will, of course, assemble a crack team to investigate this.