Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Terror at Fry's

I saw two terrifying things at Fry’s today.

The first was, and I can’t possibly prepare you for this, so I’m just going to blurt it out: TGI Friday’s now has its own line of jerky. “Steak” and “chicken” jerky.

Jerky is the zombie of meats, pumped full of the undead to prolong its existence. Here’s a pretty good rule: when something that naturally spoils is transformed into something that doesn’t, watch out. Take one whiff of jerky and you know something has gone horribly, unnaturally wrong. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be reminded of Re-Animator every time I sit down for a snack.

So there’s that. Quantities are limited.

Number two. The guy behind the checkout counter was wearing pants nearly up to his nipples and a smiley-face tie tucked into those same pants.

Dude, that’s not a good look. I’m no fashion magnate—as I type this I’m wearing a long-sleeve dress shirt, underwear, and black socks—but I’m Pierre Freaking Cardin compared to you. Here’s a simple rule: if you have to reach up to pull down your pants cuff, then your pants are too high. And to the best of my knowledge, the only reason to tuck your tie into your pants is if you’re conducting an autopsy.

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