Monday, January 29, 2007

All Hail

Here's how you can tell how expensive a restaurant will be. The amount of light and the size of the tables is inversely proportionate to the prices. Inexpensive restaurants have lots of light and big, big tables. The most expensive restaurant in the world is pitch-black and the tables are straight pins turned upside down.

"It's like eating in a mining tunnel--with techno music," I said to Gloria. We were seated at a table that was far too small for one person, for one child. But we were on the cutting edge of cool.

"My hip," I said.

"It really is," Gloria said.

"No," I said. "My hip. It's sore."

We ordered sweet potato tempura. Two finger-sized pieces arrived soon after. Four dollars.

"Yes, we have freshly cut french fries," I said to Gloria. "They cost one dollar each. How many do you want?

Our dinner arrived soon after, and Gloria was soon doing battle with sashimi rolls. I looked up because she was laughing and saw a three-inch strand of seaweed hanging out of her mouth. "That is EXACTLY how the Japanese do it," I said. She couldn't stop laughing long enough to scoop it into her mouth. "This is just like that Godzilla movie where he had army soldiers hanging out of his mouth," I said.

Oh, and one other way to tell that a restaurant is ridiculously expensive--they make it impossible to tell the men's bathroom from the women's bathroom. That's a guaranteed forty extra dollars on your check right there.

And even the toilets will be black. All hail, mighty trendy restaurant!

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