Can You Spot Santa's Penis?
We were on our designated mandatory holiday fun event, a drive-through Christmas light display at $25 per car.We started off in an area that was optimized for inducing epileptic seizures, as the displays were flashing so quickly that I felt like my brain was disintegrating. "Might want to dial that stuff down a bit," I said. "That building in front must be a medevac area."
"Is this it?" Eli 18.4 asks. "This can't be it."
"That's the big finale," Gloria said. "They peaked so soon."
After a lengthy discussion of holiday light car bingo and what the squares might be, we came upon another heaping dose of holiday spirit.
"That's nice, but I preferred the more daring composition of 'Lights Off, Please,'" I said.
"Oh my god, that's the entrance," Eli said, after thirty minutes. "We aren't even inside yet."
We saw a booth. "I think that's where we pay the entrance fee," Gloria said.
"That's not to get in," Eli said. "It's ransom."
"You don't pay to enter the park," I said. "You pay to get out."
Then, a magical moment:
"It's full of stars," I said, ripping off 2001: A Space Odyssey for perhaps the fiftieth time, because I love that line.
We saw two people walking. "What are those people doing?" Eli asked.
"Looking for the Red Cross," I said. "Humanitarian aid."
"I feel like twenty-five dollars might be a little too much for this experience," Eli said.
"It's only a little over eight dollars an hour," I said.
And then the murders began. The dinosaur just moves his head back and the little guy disappears.
The road kept going, winding back and forth, and forth, and forth. "All right, start looking for the penis," I said.
"Wait, what?" Eli asked.
"Every display like this is eventually going to have a penis somewhere," I said. "Guaranteed."
Eli thought I was crazy, as he often does, but I'm also a seasoned veteran of this type of thing. Then we drove up on this.
No one noticed anything amiss. At first.
"Can anyone find Santa's penis?" I asked. "Because his left eye is definitely not a left eye."
Laughing. Much laughing. Remember: there's always a penis.
We reached the exit, eventually. "Dad, you're awful quiet back there," Eli said.
"I'm trying to claw back my soul," I said.
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