Thursday, August 19, 2004

In Response to Your E-mail

Yes, I am aware that the little boy singing on the dock in the Oscar Mayer commercial spelled it 'b-o-l-o-g-n-a.' If that kid was so smart, though, he would have been eating roast beef or turkey--maybe even a little smoked ham--instead of mystery meat. Baloney is 'meat' in the same sense that grinding up a hundred roses and fashioning the scraps into a cube is a 'flower.'

'Bologna' is just one of those words that can't possibly be right. There's only one way to pronounce 'bologna,' and it's 'bo-log-na.' Just like it's written. That doesn't sound like meat, but it's a suitable moniker for the undead. I went to the Bologna's for lunch, but Richard refused to come out of the wine cellar. He just drank glass after glass of red wine and muttered about sunlight. Why, I tried to fix my hair and couldn't find a mirror in the whole house!

We also have some additional clothing bans:
--Old men in banana hammocks. Actually let's keep the old men and ban the hammocks.
--Asses the size of Australia in pants the size of Lithuania are banned.
--Asses the size of Lithuania in pants the size of Australia, with the subsequent view of the Tightie Whitie Alps, are banned.
--Women's shoes are banned entirely. You people are crazy when it comes to shoes. If somebody on The View wears bowling shoes with eight-inch heels, there's a stampede at the local mall by Saturday. I could hire a model to strap two watermelons to her feet and walk through Foley's, and within minutes there would be women asking store clerks for a pair of those 'great watermelon shoes.'

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