Monday, August 08, 2005

The Color of Your Parachute is Black

I was watching a movie preview and the narrator said, in apocalyptic tones, “An Ancient Evil has returned to threaten the world.”

Man, it must be an absolute bitch being New Evil.

I mean it. Films are always talking about Ancient Evil this, Ancient Evil that, blah blah blah. Evil’s gotten moldy, and people seem to like it that way. New Evil can’t even get a bloody stump in the door, let alone professional representation. New Evil goes to a talent agency, hands over its resume, and the agent tells it to come back in five thousand years.

Unfortunately for New Evil, the bar is set very, very high. Ancient Evil has a long list of distinguished accomplishments. When your ancestors have the 1918 flu pandemic (fifty million dead) as a lifetime achievement award, coming up with SARS (seven hundred eighty-five dead) must make you feel like a paper cut.

It’s all about respect, or lack of it, really. New Evil is the sixteen year old kid with the learner’s permit, doing endless circles in the mall parking lot, knowing all the time that Daddy’s never going to let him drive the car on the open road.

The problem with Evil, in a career sense, is that most Evil is undead. That means a New Evil professional has very limited opportunities for advancement—with no one dying, or even retiring, there’s no real career path.

Just remember this if you’re seriously considering a career in New Evil: no upward mobility.

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